‘Vanilla’ married man asks for advice as wife wants ‘kinky’ sex from him


A husband has taken to the internet to get advice on his randy sex life with his submissive wife – but admits he “hates choking and hitting her”.

Erotic fiction, porn consumption, and the likes of 50 Shades of Grey dropping in 2015, have all impacted our sex lives greatly by introducing the world to BDSM.

Rough sex is being explored more and more, and for some couples, it is causing quite a few issues in their relationships.

One married man shared his dilemma on Reddit as he confessed he is “90% vanilla” but his wife wants “kinky” sex including “r*pe play” twice a day.

He started off his long post by saying he is “tired of being rough in bed”.

The husband said he and his wife “like sex a lot”, are in their 30s, he is 6’6, she’s 5’2, have been together for a decade, and have sex one to two times a day.



The husband said he doesn’t enjoy rough sex with his wife of a decade

He recalled how they watch porn together but he is “tired of being dominant”.

“I am tired of always having to be rough,” he said. “She usually initiates sex, and it is understood that if she asks for sex she wants it rough.

“Sometimes I ask for sex when she doesn’t want anything in particular and we are able to have vanilla sex for the purpose of my pleasure, but she initiates far more often.

“She is happiest when I’m using all of my strength on her, holding her down etc. But I’m manhandling her, pushing her around, picking her up once or twice a day.

“It kind of feels burdensome sometimes to feel like I have to do this stuff for her pleasure on such a regular basis.”



Tired man under the duvet in bed
He described himself as ‘vanilla’ in the bedroom

He described how it’s not a new issue but his wife’s requests are passing his boundaries now.

The man said: “I wouldn’t say all of this is new, but it seems like every year she wants a little more. Lately it has been a flood.

“Last week, she said she wanted to experiment with tying/rope stuff. Which is probably fine. I felt something inside of me collapse when she brought this up.

“I am tired of having to slap her, throw her across the bed, choke her, hold her down, etc. and now I have to tie her up too?

“All of this is for her. It’s occasionally exciting, but most of the time I’m just going through the motions to get her worked up.

“She is my wife, I have every intention of continuing to have sex with her daily for decades more to come, but I feel so exhausted with the way she likes it.”



Passionate couple
He said he doesn’t like choking or hitting his wife during sex

He concluded his post by saying he’s quite a “vanilla guy” and likes the missionary position and affection.

The man continued: “I want her happy, but I think the point where I’m feeling fear and anxiety over her bringing up another ‘experiment’ is probably where I need to accept there may be a problem.

“I’m not tired of putting my p in her v – I’m tired of having to slap her face, pin her down, and see her wild eyes twice a day.

“I’m tired of everything being ‘faster, harder’. Sometimes I genuinely feel sad over this. It’s so hard to talk about because I don’t want to disappoint her.”

Reddit users rushed to advise the man on what he could do.



A frustrated young woman thinking seriously about her relationship
The wife does not know her husband feels this way

One commented: “I know you know what to do. You do need to talk to her about it. I’m a rough sex kind of person, and I would want my SO be comfortable enough to tell/ask me if we could slow it down for a while.

“I’d personally be fine with that, with the understanding that I would still need rough sessions, mixed with the sweet slow kind.

“I hope you talk to your person. It’s better than having to deal with the pain of resentment.”

Another said: “Yep. You said ‘I know the advice will be ‘talk to her,’ and then carried on for several paragraphs.

“Talk to her. Your wants and needs are just as valid. The only outcome, if you don’t talk to her, is the sex will fizzle and you’ll resent each other.

“Talk about love languages and tell her the parts you’re craving – intimacy, aftercare, etc.”

“But the difference is that now you’re already letting her down, in way worse ways – you’re leading her on, making you think you’re Ok with this, and she’s none the wiser,” said one.

They continued: “Just because she’s ignorant of this fact of you, doesn’t mean it’s fair to her. Sex is good to two parties because both parties can trust that the other party is into it as well. Without that, there can be no good sex, not for you, and eventually not for her either.

“How long do you think you can hide it? Do you not think she’s not already noticed something’s off? It’s pretty hard to pretend you wanna slap someone around when you don’t, you know.

“Right now you’re doing both you and her a disservice by not talking about this.”

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